Lost Innocence Page 4

  Leaving Rachel to carry out the drinks and a dish of pretzels, she went to prise open the shed door, and immediately found herself whirling back to her own and her children’s childhoods. The pungent mix of creosote, earth and turps was evoking so many scenes from the past that she almost put up her hands to stop them crowding in. She couldn’t allow her memories to hijack the present as though to make it their own. She must keep them buried, carefully tucked away in a place where they were safe and treasured, only to be taken out one at a time, not en masse when they swept her away in a tide of longing and despair.

  Quickly she began rummaging through all the old gardening tools, wheelie toys, deckchairs and paint pots in search of the parasol she felt sure must be there somewhere. Eventually finding it propped behind an old treadle sewing machine that had belonged to her gran, she yanked it free, brushed off the cobwebs and carried it over to the table, where Rachel was already absorbing the wonderful summery day.

  The back garden, like the front, had a lush green lawn with a stone bird bath in the middle, and a heavily laden apple tree drooping over the colourful shrubbery in one corner. Many moons ago there had been a swing and slide on the grass, and on hot summer days Monica used to fill a paddling pool for the children to cool off and splash about in. Most of Alicia’s contemporaries would have fond memories of this garden, either playing dress-up in the clothes from Monica’s charity shop, or doctors and nurses with a well-stocked first-aid box and an old stethoscope of her father’s, or staging plays directed by Mimi and Monica. Some of the best games, though, had been devised by Robert, who’d had a knack, even then, for inventing outlandish and fascinating devices that might fly, or speak, or walk, or anything they weren’t supposed to do. It was no surprise to anyone that he’d gone on to become a scientist, and he now ran the Ministry of Defence research labs in Wiltshire with a team of two hundred other scientists working under him. Though all his projects were top secret, even if he’d been free to discuss them the details would have been sure to go straight over most of their heads.

  After slotting the parasol into a cast-iron base and opening it out to provide some shade, Alicia let the feel of the garden settle around her as she pulled out a chair and sat down with a sigh. The sky was a perfect deep blue, the air was hot and humid with only the occasional twitter of a chaffinch and a few skimming butterflies to break its stillness. It felt right to be here, comforting and safe, and yet, at the same time, completely wrong.

  Catching Rachel watching her, Alicia picked up her drink to toast her. ‘Here’s to you,’ she said. ‘Thanks for being here. I’d probably have gone to pieces if I’d come into the house on my own.’

  Not doubting it for a minute, Rachel said, ‘I’m glad Darcie had the good sense to ring me.’

  ‘Ah, so that’s who grassed me up. I thought it might have been Nat. Did she tell you she was in France when she called?’

  Rachel looked surprised. ‘No, what’s she doing there?’

  ‘One of her friends’ parents have a house in Brittany, so she’s staying with them until the second week of August. She needed a holiday – and a break from me, if the truth be told.’

  Rachel regarded her steadily. ‘She’s worried about you,’ she said softly.

  Alicia nodded. ‘We’re all worried about one another.’

  ‘Of course.’

  They sat quietly for a moment, sipping their drinks and absorbing the easy and familiar pleasure of simply being together.

  ‘I should have come back here after Mum died,’ Alicia said eventually. ‘I wanted to. I always hated to think of the place empty and uncared for, all her things… But I just couldn’t make myself face it. Actually, face her.’ She gave a harsh, humourless laugh. ‘My husband and my sister-inlaw. What a joke. What a sad, sordid little cliché.’

  Having no fondness for Sabrina herself, Rachel wasn’t going to disagree.

  ‘Craig offered, more than once, to come with me,’ Alicia went on, ‘but I didn’t want him anywhere near her. I kept imagining him standing here, in this garden, or inside the house, thinking of her and wondering what she was doing, if she might be able to sense he was close. Maybe he’d find a way of letting her know he was coming, so they could try to sneak off together. I conjured up all sorts of telepathic communication between them that would bring them together in the high street, or the pub, making it look like a coincidence when all the time it was a bond they shared that transmitted messages like a phone, or email, or text.’ Her smile was becoming heavy with a bitter sadness. ‘So when Robert rang to ask if he should start clearing the place, I let him carry on without me. He said it was only Mum’s clothes and some books that he’d give away, he’d wait until I felt ready to deal with things myself before making decisions about furniture and the house itself. I just hope to God his wife didn’t lay a finger on my mother’s belongings. I don’t think he’d have let her, knowing how I’d feel about it. If he did, I’d rather not know.’ She turned to look at Rachel, and her expression softened as she pictured her brother’s kind and serious face. ‘These past two years must have been really hard for him,’ she said, ‘his wife having an affair, losing Mum, having no real relationship with me when we used to be so close. I’d like to try to make that up to him, but it’s hard to see how I can while he’s still married to her.’

  Always having considered it remarkable that both marriages had managed to survive the affair, Rachel said, ‘Do you know how they’re getting along these days?’

  Alicia shook her head. ‘On the few occasions Robert and I have spoken he never mentions her, and I never ask.’

  ‘What have you told the children? He was always such a fantastic uncle, and they were pretty close with young Annabelle, before everything blew up.’

  ‘I’ve always kept it quite vague, just saying that Sabrina and I don’t get along and we’ve decided it’s best we don’t see much of one another. They missed coming here though, but at least Mum used to get up to London quite often, before the dreaded cancer really took hold.’ She sighed and swallowed a knot of tears. ‘Quite a catalogue really, isn’t it?’ she said. ‘First my husband has an affair that creates a rift between me and my brother, a year later my mother dies, six months after that my husband drops dead of a pulmonary embolism; I can only begin to imagine what might be next.’

  ‘Whatever it is, it can’t get any worse,’ Rachel assured her meaningfully.

  Alicia’s eyes shot her a warning. ‘Please don’t tempt fate,’ she urged soberly. ‘I used to think that way, and I was always wrong, so now my reserves of optimism have run dry. It’s best just to take things one day at a time, and thank God for how wonderful and supportive the children are being. Especially Nat.’ She attempted a smile. ‘He’s so stoic, and capable and grown-up, and everything I can feel proud of, but he still won’t talk about his father. I don’t think he’s even cried yet.’ Her eyes came up, and in spite of the courage she was trying to summon there was a hint of her inner desolation as she whispered shakily, ‘Craig was his hero. You know how he idolised him. Nothing Craig did could ever be wrong.’

  Rachel’s expression showed her sympathy. ‘You’ve obviously never told him about the affair.’

  ‘Of course not, and now Craig’s dead there’s no need for him to know. There wasn’t anyway.’ She took a deep, faltering breath. ‘He’s always believed his father was totally loyal to us, the absolute mainstay of our family, which he was, so there’s no reason for Nat to think otherwise.’ Her smile was weak as she glanced at Rachel. ‘Who’d ever have thought he’d die so young?’ she said bleakly. ‘It never seemed possible, did it? It still doesn’t.’

  Already knowing the details of how the dynamic and dashingly charismatic Craig Carlyle had been seized from his family in the prime of his life, Rachel put a hand on Alicia’s arm in a hopeless gesture of comfort. Craig and Alicia had certainly had their difficulties in recent years, but Rachel had never been in any doubt of how much Alicia had loved him. So to lose him like tha
t, and so soon after Monica’s death, with no warning at all, and when things were just starting to come good again, had been totally devastating for Alicia, and the children. Six months down the line it was no wonder all three of them were still reeling from the shock.

  ‘Where’s Nat now?’ Rachel asked.

  Alicia swallowed some wine. ‘Still in London. He’s on work experience this week with Henry Taverston.’

  Recognising the name, Rachel looked surprised. ‘Why not with someone at Craig’s chambers?’ she asked.

  ‘He and Nat decided between them that Nat should spread his wings a little, and not become too protected by his father, so Craig set it up for him to spend this week with Henry, and another with Jolyon Crane in Bristol at the end of Aug—’ Her eyes went down as her voice was swallowed into a gulf of grief.

  Holding her hand as she struggled with her emotions, Rachel waited patiently, wishing there was something she could say or do to ease the loss. They’d spent many hours on the phone these past months, going over and over the happy times, as well as the betrayal, the final moments of Craig’s life, and then the nightmare that had followed. Coming to terms with the sudden death of a partner, and a father, was probably one of the most difficult tests life delivered.

  ‘How long are you planning to stay?’ Rachel asked, as Alicia reached for her wine.

  Alicia’s eyes stayed down as she said, ‘This is my home now. The house in London has been sold.’

  Rachel only just stopped her mouth dropping open. ‘I didn’t even know you’d put it on the market,’ she said cautiously.

  ‘The cars have gone too,’ Alicia continued. ‘Actually, the garage took both the Mercedes as settlement of the outstanding payments.’

  Rachel’s shock was mounting. ‘But those cars were worth a fortune…’

  ‘So was the house. Almost two million, would you believe? I sold it with the contents and after paying off the mortgage I was left with the princely sum of two thousand five hundred and forty pounds, plus the little bit of money I still have in my personal account.’

  Rachel was looking more alarmed and perplexed than ever. ‘I don’t understand,’ she protested.

  ‘There was no insurance on the mortgage,’ Alicia explained, ‘and with prices going down the way they have…I had to sell it for virtually what we paid for it.’

  ‘But how could someone like Craig have overlooked… I’m sorry, that’s not helpful. I’m just surprised…’

  ‘Of course you are. So was I. We remortgaged about a year ago to release some of the capital, and apparently Craig was still negotiating the insurance part of the deal when he died.’

  ‘So the insurance wasn’t in place?’ Rachel didn’t want to believe what she was saying.

  Alicia shook her head.

  Rachel searched for words, but none would come. In the end she said, ‘So what happened to the capital you released?’

  Alicia’s eyes came to hers, then went down again. ‘He gave it away,’ she answered.

  Rachel was sure she hadn’t heard right.

  ‘It’s a long story,’ Alicia began, ‘but there’s a family… They lost both their children in a fire and Craig felt if he hadn’t got the arsonist off a previous charge he’d have been behind bars, and the children would still be alive. He wanted to try to help the parents, to do something to make the future more bearable, so he gave them enough to buy another house. It was a lot better than the one they’d lost, which – and how’s this for an irony – hadn’t been insured, so they’d lost their home and their children. Craig did what he could to fill one of the gaps, and then, as though to go on making amends, he took on a lot more pro bono cases than he used to, which was some comfort to his conscience, even though our income started to fall. He kept telling me it would be OK, we’d get through it, and I’m sure we would have, given the chance, but alas we weren’t.’

  Thinking that her friend had already been through too much, Rachel could only look at her in stark pity and frustration. She wanted to help, she needed desperately to make this added burden go away, but it was already too late. The house was sold, and Alicia was here. ‘I can’t believe you haven’t told me this before,’ she said finally.

  Alicia shook her head, seeming not to understand it either. ‘I suppose I didn’t want it to be real, losing our home, having to change our lives…I kept thinking it would all go away, or something would crop up to sort it all out…’

  Rachel sat back in her chair, still too stunned by the news to fully take it in. She turned to look across the garden, as though out there somewhere she might find a rational explanation for this additional blow Alicia had received. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ she murmured, turning back again.

  Alicia’s smile was weak. She was watching a couple of warblers splashing about in the bird bath, and thinking of how much pleasure her mother used to get from watching the birds. She wouldn’t allow herself to long for her mother to come and sit down with them now; instead she would tell herself that Monica was there, in her own dimension, watching, listening and caring.

  ‘Are you in debt at all now?’ Rachel asked.

  ‘No, thank goodness, but it was a close thing. Anyway, even if we had been insured, I still wouldn’t have been able to run the house or pay the school fees without Craig’s income, so selling and moving out of London was inevitable, I guess.’

  Rachel was watching her with tender eyes, wondering how she was managing to look and sound so gentle and normal when inside she must be in a thousand pieces.

  ‘I keep thinking of how he was over the last few months,’ Alicia said shakily. ‘He was much more stressed than he was letting on to us all, I know that. He was worried about me, and how upset I was over losing Mum, and how afraid I was that he was still seeing her. He swore he wasn’t, but I was never brave enough – or stupid enough – to believe it. He was working such long hours. I know that’s not unusual for a lawyer, but…’

  ‘Don’t do this,’ Rachel interrupted. ‘You have to put those thoughts out of your head, because they won’t help you at all.’

  Alicia took another mouthful of wine and felt its acid burn on her tongue, a moment’s distraction from the much fiercer burn in her heart. ‘At least he used some of the capital we released to pay off the inheritance tax on this house,’ she said, the words seeming to come from a detached and distant part of herself, ‘or the children and I would be homeless now. I wonder if he did it to make sure I had somewhere to live before he abandoned us all and went off with her.’

  Rachel swallowed hard. Though she couldn’t accept that was the case, she understood perfectly why Alicia would think it. ‘Do you have any evidence to say he was seeing her again?’ she asked.

  Feeling claws of denial digging into her heart, Alicia found it hard to keep her voice steady as she said, ‘I haven’t found anything, and believe me, I’ve looked.’ Her gaze returned to Rachel, then drifted again. ‘He always said that it had been a terrible mistake, and he’d never do anything like it again. According to the evidence so far he was telling the truth, but there have been so many lies, and he was so good at covering his ground the first time. That’s presuming it was the first time. For all I know there have been others before and since…I don’t know. I shared my life with him for the past twenty years, and now I’m beginning to think that I never really knew him at all.’

  Hearing the strain cracking her voice, Rachel covered her hand. ‘No one ever knows anyone as well as they think they do,’ she said gently, ‘but underneath it all he was a good man and a great father.’

  Alicia turned away, having to swallow hard before she could speak. ‘The ridiculous thing is,’ she said angrily, ‘that I’m sitting here grieving because I loved him so much that I almost wish I’d died with him. How foolish is that? The man has an affair, he lies and cheats, and I still …’ She gasped raggedly. ‘I’m so furious with him for dying,’ she cried. ‘Even more furious than I am about the affair, or the insurance. But where’s that ge
tting me? Precisely nowhere. And anyway, it’s not about me, or him, any more, is it? It’s about the children. Darcie will manage, changing schools, she’s still young enough for it not to make too much of a difference, but it could be a disaster for Nat. He’s about to start Upper Sixth, and he’s been doing so well, in spite of losing his dad. He desperately wanted to make Craig proud. He’s due to sit his interview for Oxford in December, and now he’s…Now he’s …’ As she started to break down Rachel came quickly round the table to hug her.

  ‘Ssh, it’ll be all right,’ she soothed. ‘Nat’s an intelligent boy, he won’t let this make a difference, because he understands that sometimes life isn’t as fair as we’d like it to be.’

  ‘You’re right, he does, and he’s trying to convince me that he’s happy to finish sixth form in one of the local schools here. “It’ll really round out my education,” he insists.’ She sobbed again. ‘Isn’t that just like him? Saying what he thinks I want to hear because he doesn’t want me to be worried or upset, when all the time his whole life is falling apart.’

  ‘Of course it isn’t. He’s got his mother’s resilience, remember, and his father’s intellect coupled with the go-getting charm, so he’ll do every bit as well at Stanbrooks or Bruton as he would have at Westminster.’

  Alicia laughed through her tears. ‘It won’t be Bruton, we can’t afford that,’ she replied, ‘and if I didn’t know better I’d swear you two were in cahoots, because that’s exactly what he says.’ She gave a tremulous sigh. ‘I know I’m his mother so I would say this, but he’s growing into such a wonderful young man. He’s so considerate and supportive, as well as intelligent, ambitious… I’m sorry, I…’

  ‘He’s also highly entertaining when he wants to be,’ Rachel continued, ‘extremely generous, a great brother, the best son in the world and let’s not forget drop-dead gorgeous while we’re at it.’