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  My will is with my lawyer. Everything that was mine is now yours, including my car. My hope is that Dad will sell it and keep the money to buy something a little more suitable for a seventeen-year-old when the time comes. I’ve also set things out for you to inherit small amounts from me at various stages of your life, so you’ll be reminded from time to time that I haven’t really deserted you.

  I understand how confused you must be feeling now by the way I’ve left you, especially when our relationship seemed finally to be gaining some closeness. I’m afraid that has only been possible because I am ready to let go. If I consider staying all the blackness comes over me again, and I know when I’m like that I can never be a good mother to you.

  To explain the effect Sam’s disappearance had on me would be like trying to explain why it happened. Neither is possible, and yet you’ve been forced to live with what it did to me ever since you were born. I know we’ve never discussed it, and I’m sure now that we should have, but every time I tried I found myself thinking of Sam in a way that felt as though I was giving up on him. As soon as that happened I started to panic all over again. I simply couldn’t accept that he’d really gone and would never come back, so I didn’t want to talk about it for fear of making it real. I just wanted to continue living as though one day he’d be with us again, and when that time came, it would be as though he’d never been taken. I suppose you could say I was like an amputee waiting for a limb that could never be replaced, or a dead heart waiting for its beat to resume.

  In the last few weeks, whilst I’ve been alone, much I wasn’t expecting has been revealed to me. First and foremost is the love I have for you that I’ve been afraid to show, or even feel. After I lost Sam I never again considered myself worthy as a mother. I was afraid to trust myself, and in my grieving mind I believed that if I stopped you from coming close to me it would keep you safe. I have suffered from many tormented and irrational beliefs over the years, mostly caused by the need to punish myself for what I allowed to happen to Sam. I realise now, in a way I never did before, that my obsession with finding him has dominated my life in a way that tore our family apart, even as I used it to keep us together.

  With all my heart I regret the pain I have caused you and Dad, the way I have held him to me, while pushing you away. If only I’d realised it should have been the other way round. I needed to let him go, while I poured all my energy into being a good mother to you, but I was so terrified he’d leave me, and so convinced that we needed to stay together for Sam, that I couldn’t see beyond it.

  I have made too many mistakes, my darling, all of which I can see much more clearly now that my worst fears have come true. Isn’t that ironic? I find that instead of destroying me, my fears are finally setting me free. Dad has fallen in love with another woman and they have a son. I never thought I’d be able to say, or write, that with any kind of equanimity, but it turns out that I say it with such a sense of relief that I can only wish it had happened a long time ago.

  I don’t think I’m a bad person, darling, but I’ve done some bad things, and bad things have happened to me. You may, for some time, find it hard to forgive me for the way I’ve treated you, but please keep this letter and let it continually tell you that I am making this choice as much out of love for you as out of a need to escape the daily torment of what might have happened to Sam, or might even be happening now. It’s true, other mothers have found a way to live with it, but it seems I can’t. As the years go by, my darling, it’s only getting worse. All the time I imagine him growing up, becoming a man, maybe even passing me in the street and not knowing who I am. And then there are the darker, much more terrible thoughts of what might have been done to him; thoughts that have all too often driven me out of my mind. I need to put an end to that, for all our sakes. We deserve our freedom, and I believe this is the way to make it happen.

  I want you to think only of your future now, and remember that Dad has been there for you every step of the way, and I know he’ll continue to be. Vivienne will too, and though you might think it now, I know that deep in your heart you don’t hate her at all. Fortunately, I think she’s wise enough to realise that, so I’m sure she’ll ride the storms with you until you’re ready to accept her.

  And now here’s another thought for you. Maybe she and Dad would have met and fallen in love anyway, even if Sam had stayed with us. We can’t know that for sure, of course, all we know is what life has dealt us, and in your case, you have Rufus. Please believe me, darling, he’s a beautiful little boy, full of life and mischief, and I know you two are going to get an enormous amount of joy from one another.

  I shall finish by asking you to tell Dad that I’m sorry. He will understand why, but for you I will spell it out: I’m sorry for losing his son, for holding him back from a life that should have been his, and for not treating his daughter as well as I should have. I haven’t written to him, because there is no more to be said between us that hasn’t been said a thousand times before. I loved him very much once, certainly during the time you were conceived, but our tragedy destroyed our marriage, and now it’s time for me to stop letting it destroy everything else.

  I go with a lightness in my heart, darling, that tells me I am on the right path. Your future can be bright and sunny, and full of happiness if you let it. It’s how I want to think of you as I go to sleep tonight, so please make my dream come true, and always know that I will be somewhere close by, watching over you and feeling so much pride in my girl that the sun will shine from the heavens, even on a cloudy day. Until we meet again, my darling,

  Mum

  As Kelsey finished reading she dropped the letter in her lap and buried her face in her hands. Immediately Vivienne pulled her into a hug, holding her as she wept, great racking sobs wrenching at her body, despair tormenting her soul. She cried out for her mother, her brother, and her father, while clinging to Vivienne as though only she could keep her from drowning.

  Her head went down and down, her hands bunching behind it, and Vivienne grasped her fists, willing her own strength into them as though it might find its way to her heart. She put her head over Kelsey’s, covering her hair with her own, and wrapping her so tightly that in the end Kelsey was forced to come up. Then, finally noticing Henrietta watching them with some curious blinks, Kelsey gave a watery smile.

  Reaching out, she drew the goose to her, wiping the back of one hand over her cheeks. ‘Did you know she’s got a new family now?’ she said.

  For a moment Vivienne thought she was talking about Jacqueline, until realising she meant Henrietta, she looked at the other geese.

  ‘Do you see them watching?’ Kelsey said, sounding on the verge of breaking down again. ‘Dad bought them when Henri started to pine, and she bonded with them really well, but actually I think she still likes me best, don’t you, Henri?’

  As though realising she was being spoken to, the goose gave a raucous squawk and brushed her beak over Kelsey’s face.

  Vivienne smiled as she watched them, then laughed as Henrietta flapped her wings and fluttered her feathers.

  Still watching the goose, Kelsey took the letter from her lap and held it out to Vivienne. Then, as though nothing had happened, she said, ‘Do you think Rufus would like Henrietta?’

  ‘I’m sure he would,’ Vivienne replied hoarsely.

  ‘She’s very gentle. She won’t hurt him,’ Kelsey promised.

  ‘No, I’m sure she won’t.’

  With her hands still cupped around Henrietta’s face, Kelsey said, ‘We could go and get him if you like.’

  When she felt the time to be right Vivienne rose to her feet, and waited as Kelsey got up too. As they walked back to the house, side by side though not quite touching, Vivienne said, casually, ‘Theo’s arriving tonight. He’s going to see Sharon in the morning, but he thought you might want some company in the afternoon, while everyone’s at the funeral. Unless you decide to go.’

  Kelsey’s head stayed down as she continued to walk.


  Vivienne didn’t press it any further. She suspected Kelsey had already changed her mind, but it didn’t matter if she hadn’t. She’d let them know her decision when she was ready. In the meantime, her father was coming to meet them, his expression troubled, but questioning, as his eyes met Vivienne’s.

  Taking Rufus so he could fold Kelsey into his arms, Vivienne gave him the briefest of smiles to let him know it was all right.

  As his father and sister hugged, Rufus watched in silence, seeming intrigued, then worried, as Kelsey started to sob. He looked at his mother, then his father, not sure if this was a game, or if he should cry too. He leaned back against Vivienne, plonking his head on her shoulder, until quite suddenly he gave a scream of excitement and almost sprang from her arms.

  Kelsey’s head came up; her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks mottled by tears. Rufus looked so cute and funny that her mouth trembled as she tried to smile. Then she laughed and sobbed as he banged his fists joyously together and screamed exultantly again.

  ‘We’re going to take him to the lake to introduce him to Henrietta,’ she told her father.

  ‘Look behind you,’ Miles whispered.

  Kelsey turned round and gave another gulp of laughter as she saw the cause of Rufus’s excitement. Henrietta was waddling up the lawn after her.

  She looked hesitantly at Vivienne, then watched as Vivienne put Rufus down on the grass.

  Swallowing her tears, Kelsey stooped to his height. ‘This is Henrietta,’ she whispered, as he watched the goose come. ‘Be gentle with her, won’t you?’

  Rufus’s mouth was a perfect little O as he turned to look at this new person talking to him. Then all six of his teeth showed in a cheeky grin.

  Kelsey laughed and held onto him as Henrietta drew closer – but she didn’t hold tightly enough, because he was suddenly running forward to meet the goose, arms open wide as he yelled with delight. Then everyone was laughing as Henrietta, without missing a step, turned tail to hotfoot it back to the safety of the lake.

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  Version 1.0

  Epub ISBN 9781409035343

  www.randomhouse.co.uk

  Published by Arrow Books 2008

  10 9

  Copyright © Susan Lewis 2007

  Susan Lewis has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

  This novel is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  First published in Great Britain in 2007 by

  William Heinemann

  Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,

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  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 9780099492344