Lost Innocence Read online

  It was a week later, when Alicia called to tell her mother she was coming for a few days, that Monica asked her not to. It would probably be best if she stayed away from Holly Wood for a while, Monica said as gently as she could, and because she’d sounded so weak and weary Alicia hadn’t argued. Instead, she’d allowed herself to be banished from the home she’d grown up in, the village she felt so much a part of, and the mother she adored, all because Sabrina couldn’t let go of Craig.

  Later, Alicia learned from her mother that Robert had threatened to divorce Sabrina if she didn’t pull herself together and stop pestering Craig with phone calls and emails. Apparently, afraid of ending up with no one, Sabrina had finally given up her persecution, but the damage that had been done to both marriages was already incalculable, and, to Alicia, often felt irreparable. In spite of remaining committed to one another, and trying hard to recapture what had been lost, it was never the same between her and Craig again. Like a priceless vase, her trust had been shattered, and no matter how carefully she attempted to put it back together the cracks always showed.

  Whether Craig had taken on more work after that to fill the void Sabrina had left, was impossible to say now. She wanted to believe it was to try to straighten out their financial affairs, because if she blamed Sabrina for how stressed and tired he’d become it would mean he must have really loved her to have felt the loss so deeply. This wasn’t a possibility Alicia could begin to tolerate, because the hate and jealousy Sabrina inspired in her wouldn’t help at all as she tried to make a new life for herself and the children. She could only hope that Sabrina decided to stay away from them now, because Alicia had not a shred of desire to be on any kind of terms with her ever again.

  By midday Alicia was up, dressed and ironing freshly laundered sheets ready to make up the beds in her and Robert’s old rooms. All their childhood possessions had been carted up to the attic years ago, or donated to jumble sales and her mother’s charity shop, or simply thrown away. Now the decor in both rooms owed more to Laura Ashley than to a plastering of pop posters. However, the beds were still singles and an impressive collection of board games and children’s books were still stacked on the shelves, and inside cupboards, left over from the days when Nat and Darcie used to come to stay.

  For a while, earlier, she’d considered going to the eleven o’clock service, not because she was particularly religious, or in need of communicating with God, it was simply that the thought of being close to her parents who’d married in the church, and used to attend most Sundays, and were now laid to rest in the graveyard outside, was a comforting one. In the end, however, she’d decided to delay her visit until fewer people were around. Being as fragile as she was at the moment, she didn’t want to risk going to pieces when someone might see her.

  Now, as she folded one sheet and laid it on top of another, then took a pillowcase from the basket to begin pressing out its creases, she was wondering, not for the first time, where her ashes might be buried when the time came. Since Craig’s were in Berkshire, along with his mother’s and uncle’s, something his overbearing father had insisted on, should she go there too? Or would it be acceptable for her to be with her parents in a place she knew and loved? It was a maudlin dilemma, and one she didn’t have to resolve now, but if she and Craig had taken time to discuss the matter, he might be here in Holly Wood too, where she felt he belonged. However, the mere thought of Sabrina taking flowers to the grave and sitting over it like a tragic widow was enough to make her thankful he wasn’t, and was what, in the end, had made her give in to her father-in-law’s demands.

  Turning to pick up her mobile as it bleeped, she opened the text and felt a pleasing warmth run over the chill of her thoughts. It was from Nat, letting her know that the train was on time so he’d be with her in just under two hours. She quickly sent a message back assuring him she’d be waiting at the station, and after clicking off she looked up as she heard the front gate open. Seeing Robert coming down the path, her insides gave a jolt of nerves and guilt. She should have called him back by now but hadn’t, because she’d been unable to get through on the mobile number she had for him, and she hadn’t wanted to run the risk of Sabrina picking up the phone if she tried the house.

  Putting down the iron, she unplugged it and went to open the front door just as he was raising a hand to knock.

  ‘Hello,’ he said, with a sardonic smile, his hand still in the air. ‘Is it OK to drop in unannounced?’

  ‘Of course,’ she assured him, feeling an unsteadying sense of relief wash over her. Whatever had happened between their spouses, it hadn’t changed how much she loved and cared about him. ‘It’s good to see you,’ she said, and to prove it she stepped forward to give him a hug.

  His embrace felt as warm and safe as it always had, and when he held on to her a little longer than she expected, as if to let her know that his affections were every bit as constant as they’d always been, she felt tears prick her eyes. ‘Don’t be nice to me,’ she warned, ‘you know you don’t like it when women cry.’

  He chuckled. ‘Did I say that?’ he replied, following her inside.

  ‘You used to, when we were younger, especially after you’d done your level best to get me bawling.’

  He grimaced. ‘What a brute I must have been.’

  ‘And don’t you ever doubt it,’ she teased.

  He laughed. ‘Did you get the message I left last night?’ he asked, as they went into the kitchen.

  ‘Yes, but I couldn’t get through on your mobile and I wasn’t keen to call the house.’

  He gave a sigh of self-exasperation. ‘I changed my mobile number about a month ago. I should have told you. Anyway, how are you?’

  She shrugged. ‘Surviving, I guess. I take it you’re responsible for keeping the house up together.’

  ‘Not me personally,’ he replied. ‘I paid Mrs Jessop to carry on coming after we moved Mum to the hospice, and her husband took over the garden.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. She wasn’t sure whether to mention the fact that he hadn’t inherited with her, or to ask how he felt about it. If he minded she knew it wouldn’t be about the money, it would be for sentimental reasons, and she could hardly blame him for that.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he told her, ‘and it’s all right. It should be yours.’

  She swallowed and tried to smile. ‘You know you’re always welcome here.’

  ‘I should hope so,’ he retorted. ‘Now, do I get a cup of tea?’

  Her eyes sparked playfully. ‘I have blackcurrant juice,’ she told him.

  Since it had been a favourite of theirs as children, his smile was quick in coming. ‘How about tea with a black-currant chaser?’ he suggested.

  Liking the idea she turned to fill up the kettle, feeling even more pleased than she’d expected to see him here, but as a silence settled between them awkwardness began stealing in like a shadow. It dismayed her, though she guessed it was only to be expected when this was the first time they’d been alone together since the day he’d ordered her out of this house. After that, all discussions about their mother had taken place on the phone, and the only times they’d actually seen one another was at Monica’s bedside, or at her funeral. He’d come to Craig’s too, which she loved and admired him for, but there had been so many people around, and she’d still been in such a daze, that even when they had managed to speak she’d hardly registered what either of them said.

  ‘Still no milk or sugar?’ she asked, taking two mugs from the cupboard.

  Seeming pleased she’d remembered, he nodded. ‘Same for you?’

  She smiled, and nodded too. She was starting to feel more relaxed now, and wanted to give him another hug.

  ‘So how are the children?’ he asked, folding his arms as he leaned against a counter top.

  ‘Bearing up,’ she replied, ‘but you know how close they were to their father, especially Nat.’

  ‘This won’t have been easy for him,’ he agreed
.

  Knowing that he, more than anyone, would understand what Nat was going through now, losing his father while still in his teens, she said, ‘He’ll probably appreciate having an uncle again, if you think it’s possible.’

  Robert’s eyes were kind. ‘I don’t imagine I can ever replace Craig,’ he said, ‘but I’ll do my best to be there for him in any way I can.’

  She smiled. I don’t imagine I can ever replace Craig. She couldn’t help wondering if he’d ever spoken those words to Sabrina. If he had, she didn’t want to know. ‘He’s on his way here,’ she said, opening a box of Earl Grey and dropping two bags into the mugs. ‘I’m picking him up from the station at three.’

  Robert glanced at his watch. It was still only twelve thirty, plenty of time before she had to leave. ‘What about Darcie?’ he asked.

  ‘She’s on holiday with a friend in France, due back in the middle of August. It feels strange without her, but I have to admit, it’s a bit of a relief to have some time alone. These past few months have been quite a challenge on several fronts.’

  ‘I’m sure.’ He was about to say more when her mobile started to ring.

  It was Rachel checking to make sure Alicia was still up for getting together tonight.

  ‘Absolutely,’ Alicia confirmed. ‘I’m doing a barbecue for Nat and Summer about five, so shall we see you at the pub at seven?’

  ‘Perfect. Any other news?’

  ‘Robert’s here,’ Alicia replied, glancing at him.

  ‘Ah ha.’ Rachel’s tone was dark with understanding. ‘Then I’ll let you go. Say hi from me, and you can tell me everything tonight.’

  ‘Rachel,’ Alicia told Robert as she rang off. ‘She says hi.’

  Acknowledging the greeting with a raise of his eyebrows, he picked up the kettle as it boiled and filled both mugs. ‘Shall we sit in here, or outside?’ he asked.

  ‘Do you mind if we stay inside? I need to finish some ironing, but open the doors to let in some air, and I’ll bring everything through from the sitting room.’

  After she’d set up the board, and they’d spun out the niceties as long as they could, he finally said, ‘I guess there’s no point me going on pretending that the gossip mill hasn’t got round to me, so time to come to the point. Is it true you’re intending to stay here in Holly Wood?’

  Keeping her eyes on the path the iron was smoothing over the folds of a pillowcase, she nodded. ‘Yes, we are,’ she confirmed. Her insides were starting to tighten. Was he going to object, and ask her to leave? It wasn’t a showdown she’d welcome, but she could hardly blame him for feeling worried about having her and Sabrina in the same vicinity.

  ‘Do you think that’s wise?’ he asked.

  Putting the iron down, she raised her head and fixed him with steady eyes. ‘This is my home, Robert…’

  ‘I’m talking about changing the children’s schools,’ he interrupted, apparently realising where she was going. ‘Surely losing their father is a big enough disruption. Why have you sold the house? Is it even true that you have?’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ she answered stiffly. Then deciding to get it over with, she said, ‘There’s no money left. The mortgage wasn’t insured and we’d run up some debts…If it weren’t for Mum leaving me this place, we’d have had nowhere to go.’

  Robert sat quietly for several seconds, digesting the unexpected bombshell, and knowing, as did she, that this was the very reason Monica had given her the house. After Craig’s betrayal she’d wanted to make sure Alicia was taken care of, should he ever let her down again. How perspicacious their mother had been, though he doubted she’d ever imagined something like this.

  ‘I know you’re going to say I could have sold this house and the shop,’ Alicia went on, ‘but it wouldn’t have been enough, and I’ve lost so much lately. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t bear to let go of this place too.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to say that,’ he assured her. ‘Of all people I understand how much this house means to you, and though Sabrina might not forgive me for it, I think you did the right thing coming here. It’s a place you know, Rachel’s close by, and so am I. But what are you doing about schooling? Is there enough left to carry on sending them privately?’

  ‘No, but Stanbrooks did very well for us, especially you, so I’m sure it’ll do the same for Darcie and Nat.’

  He nodded gravely. ‘Would you prefer them to be weekly boarders?’ he asked. ‘It would free you up…’

  ‘I can’t afford the fees for one of them, never mind…’

  ‘They’re my niece and nephew, and in the circumstances it’s the least I can do.’

  Thrown by the unexpected generosity, and deeply touched, it took her a moment to answer. ‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. ‘It’s very kind of you, but I can’t accept.’

  ‘Maybe you should think it over.’

  She regarded him frankly. ‘Have you thought about what your wife would say if she found out?’ she countered. ‘No Robert, please listen. I haven’t come here to make trouble. I just want to get on with my life the best I can, and give my children some semblance of security after what they’ve been through. If the circumstances were different I’d be more than happy to let you see Nat through sixth form, but I don’t want to be responsible for causing you any more problems at home, and we both know it would if you do anything to help me.’

  Sighing, he sat back in his chair. ‘So what are you going to do?’ he asked, letting the offer drop for now. ‘How do you intend to make a living?’

  ‘Actually,’ she said, taking a sheet from the basket, ‘I’m going to open up the shop again.’

  He seemed confused. ‘But there’s no money to be made in that…’

  ‘I’m going to turn it into a kind of gallery to sell my sculptures,’ she told him. ‘There’s space at the back I can use as a studio, and I thought I’d promote other local artists and artisans as well, and charge a commission. I can learn how to make jewellery, and there’s nothing to stop me buying in various things to sell at a profit. It would be a kind of arty gift shop, if you like.’

  ‘I see,’ he said, in a way that managed to sound both doubtful and encouraging. ‘You seem to have given it some thought, so I wish you every success. Have you sold any of your sculptures to date?’

  ‘As a matter of fact I have, through a gallery on Primrose Hill. One of them went for fifteen hundred pounds, and two others for seven apiece. After the owner had deducted her commission and VAT I went away with just over a thousand.’

  His eyes boggled.

  She smiled. ‘Surprised they went for so much?’

  ‘No, shocked by the owner’s percentage. If it’s that high you definitely ought to be selling them yourself. How much do you need to get started?’

  ‘I have enough,’ she assured him, hoping it was true. ‘And I have six finished pieces ready to put on display. Seven if I count the one I’m working on now.’

  ‘Where are they?’

  ‘Still in London. A removal van is coming tomorrow with all our personal belongings. I sold everything else with the house.’ How easy it was to say those words, I sold everything else with the house. How devastating the reality was, letting go of everything she and Craig had collected and built together. It was as though someone else was moving into their skin, taking over their dreams and living their lives in strange and different ways. Would she ever be able to think of that house as belonging to anyone but them?

  Clearly still trying to get his head around how she’d lost it all, Robert said, ‘Is the sale actually complete yet?’

  ‘It should be by the end of next week. I have to admit, I’m dreading it, but I’ll probably be able to sleep a lot better once it has gone through. The buyer’s got himself a great bargain and no one’s anticipating any delays or disasters.’

  He still wasn’t looking especially impressed. ‘Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?’ he demanded. ‘There might have been something I could do.’

  Deciding to speak
honestly again, she said, ‘Your wife wouldn’t have appreciated it if you had, and frankly, Robert, she was the last person I needed to deal with when the truth began hitting me like a ton of bricks.’

  ‘Nevertheless…’

  ‘It’s done now,’ she said, cutting him off. ‘We’re debt-free and here in Holly Wood, ready to make a fresh start. I’m only sorry you and I won’t be able to see one another as much as I’d like, but you’ll always be welcome here on your own, you know that. Or with Annabelle, if she’d like to come. Darcie’s very keen to see her …’ Noticing the mask that dropped over his face, she said, ‘But no pressure. As I said before, I don’t want to cause you any difficulties at home.’

  ‘It’s not that,’ he said, ‘it’s that Annabelle might not be such a great influence on Darcie these days. She’s going through a bit of a… what’s the word? Challenging? Yes, challenging phase.’

  Alicia’s eyebrows rose.

  He was about to enlarge when loyalty staged a discreet interruption.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Alicia assured him, ‘I know what teenagers can be like, though I count myself lucky that Nat hasn’t put me through anything like the kind of nightmares I’ve seen some of my friends go through. He has his moments, of course, and he’s still only seventeen so we’re not out of the danger zone yet. However, so far, so good.’

  Robert smiled fondly. ‘I take it he’s still planning to follow in his father’s footsteps.’

  Alicia looked down as she nodded. ‘Absolutely. I don’t think anything could dissuade him from that. He and Craig had it all planned out, the GCSEs and A levels to start him on his way, the universities, Oxford being his first choice, naturally, Craig’s alma mater; the firms and chambers he’d apply to for work experience, the bar exams, the dinners, right through to the time he could join his father as a junior.’

  ‘I hope Craig realised how lucky he was,’ Robert murmured, a note of bitterness clinging to the edges of his tone.