Missing Read online

  ‘I parked around the corner so she won’t see the car,’ he told her. ‘Hi,’ he said, stepping forward to shake hands with Theo. ‘Thanks for waiting.’

  ‘No problem,’ Theo assured him. ‘Kelsey and I have had a good chat.’

  As Kelsey glanced up at him Miles noticed how flushed her cheeks became. ‘Theo’s recording an episode of Sports Quiz this evening,’ she told him. ‘He said we can go if we want to.’

  Miles put a hand on her head. ‘We’ll see,’ he responded. ‘It’s a lovely offer,’ he added, to Theo.

  ‘It stands if you want it,’ Theo assured him, reaching for his helmet. ‘I guess I should be going now.’

  ‘I can’t thank you enough for coming,’ Miles said, going to open the door. ‘I’ll hope to catch up with you in Devon sometime next week?’

  ‘You can count on it,’ Theo replied, his handsome face breaking into a grin. ‘Next Saturday’s the big day.’

  Kelsey giggled. ‘Theo’s been telling me all about what’s happening behind the scenes,’ she informed Miles.

  Miles smiled fleetingly. He didn’t want to appear rude, particularly in light of how helpful Theo had been, but he was keen to talk to Kelsey before Jacqueline arrived and he wasn’t sure how much time they might have.

  ‘You have my number if you need it,’ Theo reminded Miles as he went past him. ‘You too,’ he added to Kelsey.

  Kelsey blushed to the roots of her hair as her eyes flicked to her father. ‘Thanks,’ she said in a whisper.

  Following Theo out to the gate, Miles kept his voice low as he said, ‘Can you call Vivienne to let her know I’ve arrived, and tell her it’ll probably be best if Kelsey doesn’t see her, so she should drop Jacqueline around the corner in the square.’

  ‘Will do,’ Theo assured him, and planting the helmet on his head, he sat astride his motorbike and revved up the engine.

  Even before he’d reached the end of the road Miles was back inside, going into the kitchen to join Kelsey. ‘What did Mum say when you spoke to her?’ he wanted to know.

  ‘Nothing much really. Just that she’s sorry if she worried us, and she’s been doing a lot of thinking. She’s going to tell me about it when she gets here.’

  ‘Is she intending to stay?’

  ‘You mean, is she coming back to us? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Are you going to let her, if she wants to?’

  Seeing how worried she was, he said, ‘We’ve a lot to discuss.’

  Her face darkened. ‘You mean about Rufus and her. Well they’ve got no right coming into our lives—’

  ‘Kelsey, this isn’t the time for us to start arguing. Did Mum tell you where she’s been since she left?’

  ‘She said here, in London. I don’t know where exactly.’

  ‘You realise what today is, don’t you?’ he asked bluntly.

  She looked pinched as she nodded.

  ‘So you understand why I’m anxious?’

  Again she nodded. ‘You’re not going to stop me seeing her,’ she told him angrily.

  ‘That’s not my intention, but—’ He broke off at the sound of a key going into the front door, and turned to look down the hall. ‘She’s here,’ he said, seeing her silhouette through the opaque glass panel.

  Kelsey’s face had already paled, and seeming far less confident all of a sudden she moved in closer to her father.

  As Jacqueline came in she closed the door quietly behind her, then stopped as her eyes connected with Miles.

  For a long time neither of them spoke, though Miles could sense how unsettled she was to find him there. For his part, he was aware of a tightness in his chest, and the unbridgeable gulf that separated who they were now from the young couple who had once been so deeply in love. He still cared for her, in spite of how hard she made it, but all the closeness they’d shared had bled through the cracks a long time ago.

  ‘I didn’t realise you were here,’ she said finally.

  ‘I’ve just arrived,’ he told her. Then, after a beat, ‘So how are you?’ He’d sounded sharper than he intended, and saw her flinch. It was her vulnerability that had made it impossible for him to leave her; her need for protection, from others as well as herself. It formed the rim of the gulf that, perversely, bound them together as irrevocably as it kept them apart.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said.

  ‘Are you going to tell me where you’ve been for the past six weeks?’

  She took a breath, and looked at Kelsey. ‘I came here so we could talk,’ she said. ‘Do you still want to?’

  Kelsey nodded and shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, but not quite making it.

  Jacqueline’s eyes returned to Miles. ‘I don’t suppose you trust me to be alone with her,’ she said.

  ‘Do you blame me?’

  ‘No, but I promise it’s not why I’m here.’

  Kelsey looked up at her father as he said, ‘How long are you staying?’

  ‘I suppose … I guess that depends on how much time you’ll allow me.’

  ‘This is your home.’

  She seemed surprised by that, but didn’t make any comment.

  ‘Why don’t you take off your coat?’ Kelsey suggested. ‘It’s really dumb us all standing around here like this.’

  Jacqueline glanced at Miles as though expecting him to object. When he didn’t, she started to unfasten her buttons. ‘Are you going to insist on staying while Kelsey and I talk?’ she asked.

  Before Miles could answer, Kelsey said, ‘Dad, I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to. I’m fourteen now, I can take care of myself.’

  Looking down at her, Miles said, ‘I’m not arguing about this. You can go into the drawing room, the two of you, but I’ll be right here.’

  ‘I’ll leave my bag,’ Jacqueline said, putting it on the bottom stair. ‘Just in case you think I have something hidden inside.’

  Kelsey rolled her eyes, but neither she nor Miles objected to the bag being left. ‘Maybe you want to give her a body search,’ Kelsey muttered sarcastically to her father.

  Knowing the rudeness was to cover her embarrassment Miles let it go, and stood aside as she started into the hall where Jacqueline was already opening the drawing-room door. When they were standing together he suddenly felt the tragedy of their relationship squeezing his heart. They were mother and daughter, yet Jacqueline could be a stranger in an unfamiliar house with a child she barely knew for how comfortable she appeared. It was how it had always been with her, never really seeming to belong, doing everything she could to avoid a connection.

  Watching the door close behind them, he took a deep, unsteady breath. Was he right to let this happen? Even if Jacqueline didn’t attempt to hurt Kelsey physically, there was no knowing what she might inflict emotionally, and God knew she’d already done enough damage on that front.

  In the end, not liking himself much for it, he moved silently down the hall to stand outside the door. If things started to get out of hand he wanted to know in time to stop it, not only for Kelsey’s sake, but for Jacqueline’s too. No matter what armour his wife used to protect herself, he knew Kelsey had the ability to get through at times and when she did, she could provoke a reaction in Jacqueline that even he would have trouble controlling.

  Kelsey was curling into a corner of one of the large, rust-coloured sofas that flanked the hearth, looking anywhere but at her mother. As Jacqueline sat on the other sofa, she was aware of the anxiety churning her heart, but only as a faraway sensation, a discomfort once removed, like the echo of a scream, or the residue of pain. Her mind was a jumble of disjointed thoughts: memories that rose up from the past, visions that stole in from the future. She might be a hundred miles away, or several years – or in this room, watching herself from the corners. She tried to imagine what was happening inside Kelsey, whether she felt resentful or afraid, curious, or perhaps even relieved to know her mother was safe. It was probably a combination of all those things, but on a deeper, more critical level, Jacqueline wondered if K
elsey was as driven by hope as her mother had once been. Had she allowed herself to believe that one day things would come good between them? Did she ever think about how it would be if her brother had never been born, or stolen, or perhaps returned? In her way she must hate Sam, Jacqueline realised, but maybe she longed for him too.

  Looking at her now, all silky blonde hair and teenage attitude, no outsider would ever guess how deeply her insecurities were rooted, gnawing at her self-worth, eroding her confidence. She had a beautiful face and a composure that exuded as much nonchalance as arrogance – and a considerable amount of anxiety, did she but know it. Nevertheless, Jacqueline felt certain that whatever mistakes she’d made with Kelsey – and she knew they far outweighed any good she might have done – Kelsey had it in her to survive. She’d been blessed with enough courage and inner strength to overcome the demons planted by her mother, but most of all she had the right father to smooth the way, as he always had throughout her young life. Were it not for Miles … But there was no point going there. It was too late to undo her neglect as a mother, or her failure as a wife, or her obsession with Sam. She needed to focus on the present now, and how she was going to try and feel, even transmit, some affection and concern for her daughter.

  ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ Kelsey suddenly demanded, using belligerence to disguise her unease.

  Jacqueline bunched her hands and glanced briefly down at them. ‘I’m not sure how I’m looking,’ she replied.

  Kelsey’s eyes flickered with surprise. She was used to her mother responding in like tone, not sounding all … Well, she wasn’t sure how she was sounding. Her jaw tightened as she tried again. ‘So where have you been all this time?’ she said rudely. ‘I suppose you know people actually thought Dad had offed you?’

  Used to Kelsey’s bluntness, as well as her hostility, Jacqueline only said, ‘It’s why I called the police to let them know I was all right.’

  Kelsey’s expression became more pinched. ‘So why didn’t you call us?’ she wanted to know.

  ‘Because I needed some time alone – apart from you and Dad.’

  ‘Yeah, well, you didn’t have to go off without saying anything, did you? And you could have answered my messages. Not that I care,’ she quickly added. ‘It makes no difference to me.’

  ‘I didn’t get your messages,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘I threw my old mobile away the day I left. I knew you’d try calling me and … I’m sorry, I should have been more considerate.’

  Kelsey’s eyes widened. Something was really different here, and it was making her nervous. ‘Well, that would be a first,’ she snapped. ‘And, by the way, if you think Dad’s going to take you back, then you’ve got some serious making up to do, because you know she’s around again, don’t you?’

  Understanding the challenge, while surprised by the intimation that Kelsey might want her back, Jacqueline said, ‘You mean Vivienne? Yes, I know Dad’s seeing her again.’

  Kelsey stared at her with shocked, then big, angry eyes. ‘You never use her name,’ she cried accusingly. ‘Or not like that, anyway.’

  ‘No,’ Jacqueline agreed, ‘but things have changed.’

  Kelsey drew back. ‘How?’ she demanded, suspiciously.

  Jacqueline took a breath, and envisaging the candles on the altar at St Anne’s with the eyes of icons gazing down at her, she said, ‘Well, that would be a little hard to explain in a simple sense … It’s more esoteric …’

  ‘Oh puhleeze …’

  ‘All right. Let’s just say that I don’t feel the same way about Vivienne as I used to, and there’s no reason for you to either.’

  Kelsey was beginning to flounder badly in this unfamiliar world. This woman wasn’t her mother – she might look the same, and it was definitely her voice, but the things she was saying were weird and nothing like the way she used to be. ‘You’ve never even been able to think about her without going ballistic!’ Her voice shook with anguish. ‘I’ve even heard you threaten to kill her if she goes anywhere near Dad.’

  Jacqueline nodded and glanced down at her hands. ‘That’s because I was afraid,’ she explained steadily. ‘We all say and do things we don’t mean when we feel threatened or out of control.’

  More unnerved than ever, Kelsey got to her feet and went to stand in front of the hearth. ‘You’re starting to freak me out,’ she told her angrily. ‘Normally we’re rowing by now, or not speaking or … This is so not you.’

  Saddened by Kelsey’s need for the fierce and rancorous showdowns she was used to, Jacqueline held onto her resolve to remain calm as she said, ‘I’m just trying to get rid of all the negative feelings I’ve planted in you.’

  Kelsey’s mouth opened, then her hands shot up. ‘OK. That is it!’ she cried. ‘You don’t say things like that. You don’t care what’s going on with me, so what is wrong with you?’

  Jacqueline took a breath that was shaky and thin, while focusing on the light that flowed from the image of candles. ‘I know I’ve been a dreadful mother,’ she said evenly, ‘that I haven’t been there for you the way Dad has. I’ve never told you how special, or beautiful you are …’

  Kelsey started to turn away, then suddenly spun back, her eyes bright with fury. ‘You’ve got to start acting normal or I’m going to call Dad in to sort you out,’ she warned.

  ‘It is normal for a mother to praise her daughter.’

  ‘But you’re not like other mothers. You’re all wrapped up in yourself and Sam … I’ve never mattered to you, so you can’t start behaving as though I do now.’

  ‘Actually, you’ve always mattered,’ Jacqueline told her, ‘I was just too afraid to show it.’

  ‘And what, suddenly you’re not and that’s supposed to make it all right?’

  ‘No, I probably still am, but I want to try to make you understand why I’ve been the way I have.’

  Kelsey stared at her with helpless incomprehension.

  Lowering her eyes, Jacqueline gazed down at her hands again as they tightened around one another. ‘It’s too late now for me to be the mother you deserve,’ she said quietly. ‘What I’ve done … The terrible confusion and doubts I’ve sown inside you … It can be healed, I hope, but it’s going to take a lot of patience and understanding on the part of those who love you. Your father’s always been there for you, you know that. He’ll never let you down the way I have. I believe Vivienne will be a good friend to you too.’

  Kelsey’s eyes flashed. ‘I am so not interested in that woman.’

  ‘That’s me talking, not you,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘You don’t hate her, you hardly even know her. You’re simply afraid of the changes she’s going to make in your life, but you don’t need to be.’

  Kelsey gaped at her, too bewildered to respond.

  ‘I’m trying to free you from my prejudices,’ Jacqueline explained, ‘because they were wrong. I’ve—’

  ‘No. I’m not listening to any more,’ Kelsey cut in, clapping her hands over her ears, ‘it’s all too weird.’

  Jacqueline waited for her to put her hands down again.

  ‘See!’ Kelsey cried in frustration. ‘Normally you’d shout at me for saying something like that, or send me to my room, or tell me I can’t come home next weekend, so stop acting weird. It’s doing my head in.’

  Jacqueline swallowed and touched a finger to a small twitch at the corner of her eye. ‘What matters,’ she said, ‘is that you understand how much you are loved and wanted. I know you don’t doubt that where Dad’s concerned …’

  Abruptly switching attack, Kelsey said, ‘He’s got a son now, I hope you know that.’

  ‘Yes, I do. Rufus.’

  Kelsey stared at her. Then, in a tone clearly meant to offend, ‘That is such a stupid name.’

  Jacqueline said, ‘He’s an adorable little boy, and I think you’re going to become very fond of him.’

  Kelsey’s jaw dropped. ‘Are you telling me you’ve met him?’ she said incredulously.

  ‘I went to
Vivienne’s this morning.’

  ‘Oh my God.’ Kelsey’s hands went up as though she couldn’t take any more. ‘You have to stop now, because it’s so not funny …’

  ‘No, it’s not funny. It’s real, and it’s hard, I understand that.’

  Kelsey regarded her warily.

  Jacqueline looked back, waiting for the storm to settle inside her.

  ‘So, is she still in one piece?’ Kelsey snapped. ‘I mean …’

  ‘Yes of course she is.’

  ‘Does Dad know you went?’

  ‘I imagine he does by now.’

  Kelsey swallowed as she tried desperately to make some sense of this. She looked at the window, the door, all around the room, taking a breath now and then, but no words came out.

  Wishing she knew how to help her, Jacqueline sat quietly, wondering if Miles was listening outside and feeling certain he was.

  ‘Why did you go?’ Kelsey suddenly demanded.

  ‘To Vivienne’s? I needed to talk to her, to find out what she’s like. I wanted to meet Rufus too.’

  Though still profoundly confused, Kelsey was starting to feel a tentative fascination now. ‘So what happened?’ she asked, genuinely wanting to know.

  ‘I think, at least I hope,’ Jacqueline said, ‘I’ve managed to put her mind at rest.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Me, and the fact that I’m not going to go on trying to come between her and Dad.’

  Kelsey stared at her, misery darkening her eyes as she struggled to understand.

  ‘It’s time for me to let go,’ Jacqueline told her gently. ‘Not only of Dad, but of a lot of things. During these last few weeks I’ve come to realise how far down the wrong path I’ve gone, how I’ve allowed my … issues … to cause all sorts of problems for our family, when they should only ever have been mine. Now I can see the way forward and I’m going to take it.’

  Kelsey was hardly breathing, but a new suspicion was dawning in her eyes. ‘You’re going back to the States,’ she said. Then, before Jacqueline could answer, ‘Well, I suppose I should be grateful you’re telling me this time.’

  ‘I’m not going to the States,’ Jacqueline said quietly.